Have you ever had a Moment of Truth? You know, a moment when you realize your drug or alcohol use has gotten out of control. Maybe you totally freaked out. Or maybe you realized that you've become too relaxed about your drug use. Or perhaps you got yourself into a dangerous situation. Whatever it was, you can share your moment here.
Here's a list of Moments of Truth. They're visitor-submitted and posted automatically. Have you had one? Add it here.
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Pot/drinking messed me up
Posted 11/27/2011 10:53:00 PM |
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| So I'm 13. I had not a horrible life but not a good life. I decided that I wanted to drop out of school. But I couldnt tell my mom I wanted to drop out so instead of saying hey mom can I drop out I lied to her and said I wanted to do online school and that I would do my school work. My brother did online and didnt do his work so I just kept lying to my mom telling her no one was talkig to me at school cause I had moved schools and I was the new girl. So I lied and lied and lied. The truth was that I just wanted to be with my friends who are now 19 at the time 18. So finally she gave in and said okay I'll let you do online if you promise you'll do your work. Of course being 13 and just wanting to be with my friends I said yeah mom I promise I'll do it. So I dropped out. Started getting real close with two of my friends one happend to be my neighbor and the other his best friend. I started drinking on and off at 11. Not 12 not 13 I was 11. I started drinking more at 12 and at 13 I was drinking a lot. I went to party's Friday nights every Friday for a month and every weekend I was wasted. Than one day my brother's dad had got sentenced to 10-years in prison. I was a wreck because he raised me so he was like my dad. Well anyways I'm sitting at the park with my friends in tears. They said, "yo smoke this." Oh I forgot I smoked cigarettes at 12. So they hand me a joint so I smoked it. I got high. Than it became everyday. One of them I was closer to this kid David. Well David decided to ask if I was a virgin we ended up having sex. When my mom found out she flipped out. She was so mad so disappointed. I f*cked my life up. Like i said I didn't have a good life but I didn't have a horrible life. But I did f*ck it up. My brother basically told me I'm nothing to him after he found out I did drugs and I drink and had sex. Me and my brother were close, but now we barely speak. I f*cked that up. My mom barley speaks to me still this happend way back in Jan-March. Pot will f*ck you up so will alcohol. Don't do it. |
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| 2399 |
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Pills destroyed My Life
Posted 11/16/2011 4:01:00 PM |
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| I'm a 16 year old male who has it all. I've had an amazing childhood, moving around the world, great parents, finances have all been taken care of, lots of friends, I'm a ladies man, I had it all. Then this summer everything started to spiral down. I started drinking with my buddies and got completely wasted a few times. This was sometime late July early August. Then in the middle of August i started ruining my own life. My dad travels a lot so he brings home sleeping pills for the time difference and jetlag. I found a whole new batch in the orange prescription container and made the biggest mistake of my life. I stole one, thinking i was gonna use it that night to get an amazing night sleep because i had finals in the morning. The day went on without anyone noticing and i was super excited to go to bed. Nightfall came and i decided it was time, i took out the Ambien pill that was 10mg, i decided since it was my first time with drugs to just take half. I then broke it in half, made a line and snorted it. I went to bed with a light buzz possibly from the placebo affected, but still a buzz. The next day i grabbed a few more from my dads container and went bigger. A full pill this time, nothing I've ever done could match the euphoria i got. I was in heaven. I told my "friends" what i found but they all said they wanted to stick to weed. I didn't want to do weed because i knew my parents suspected me off it, and could one day give me a drug test. After this i got caught, I was sloppy left a few pills in my pocket and my mom found them. I lied straight to her face, which hurts me so much today. I said that i did it for attention and gave her the puppy eyes and everything. She bought it, and i was off the hook. She took the pills and put them back. What do i do as soon as she leaves the house? Take more, i couldn't stop. I did 20mg which got me crazy high. I mean like higher than Mt. Everest. I started thinking bigger, I wanted money, so I started selling the pills to girls in my school who were tired of weed. At the same time I started popping Vicodin, one day I ate 2 pills of Vicodin and 20 mg of Ambien. My life was starting to get really screwed, I lied to my parents about anything and everything to get my hands on these pills. Finally i got busted for them. My parents were devastated but i didn't get any real long-term consequences for it. After i couldn't do anymore pills i got into weed, my buddy Trey was a big dealer. Dealing anywhere between 5-20 grams a week (this was in high school). He encouraged me and one day i did it. Me and my friend Kenny where going to our high schools football game and i got the urge. I smoked 2.5 bowls for the first time in my life. After that i decided to lay low for a while, and i did. Until recently when i decided to buy my own weed. I bought a gram and a bubbler from Kenny. Then i smoked it alone but only about a bowl. I then realized what i was getting myself into, i didn't wanna become "that guy" the guy that everyone knows is an addict and can't live without his drugs. I've always had good grades, perfect in fact, straight A's through freshman of high school in IB. My grades started to drop and i knew it was time to make it or break it, so i flushed down all my stuff and threw it all out. I have days were i get anxiety attacks because i want my Ambien back . But I've decided, I'm not going to be "that guy". And i hope that whoever might be considering trying pills doesn't! I've ruined my relationship with my parents to the point were they don't talk to me, I've lost all my real friends and I can't be happy with out my pills. So I'm begging you, yeah you that's considering trying Vicies or sleeping pills, DON'T! It'll mess up your life just like it did mine. Keep faith and hope and you can get through anything. |
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| 2398 |
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RE: new account(iguana25)/ My sober journey
Posted 11/11/2011 4:29:00 AM |
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| So- I couldn't get into my old account so I just added a 2 on the end.
Check out the message I wrote down around February of last year, entitled "no light" a couple pages back... and then check this out:
When I wrote that, I was so hopeless. I really thought I was going to die, I was losing weight, I was not talking to any of my friends or family, I was living in my "friends'" apartment basically using them for drugs/alcohol... because I was broke...literally wouldn't leave their place unless I had a class or something that I occasionally attended, but barely did go to school though I was paying thousands to have this wonderful opportunity for higher education.
I'm 21 now. And I've been clean and sober for 78 days. When I wrote that last post, I couldn't go without using for even an hour.
My moment of truth hadn't come yet when I was logged on here last. I had no idea what would be in store for me between then and now. I want to share it with others because somebody might need to read this, or might relate to something I say... and that would be great.
All summer I was in active addiction... Weed was regular, but soon coke became a serious thing again. An everyday binge, hundreds being taken out of my account each week to get my little bag of coke. I had lost touch with my ecstasy dealer (which was my drug of choice before cocaine) but I just said fuck it and blew coke instead. I really liked cocaine. I never realized how much I actually loved it until this summer. I was sniffing it right in the next room at friend's places in front of their parents/grandparents, at family functions, in my bedroom right above from my mother... anywhere, everywhere... I was getting coked out and going to outpatient at the same time. It was just a mess. But it was absolutely normal and it was sadly the only way I wanted to live. And I knew it was on edge, I knew it was dangerous, but that was a high in itself, the unknown, driving around trying to not look suspicious and shit... dressing all nice though you could see it in my face and in my eyes, I was dying right before you.
In July I was running low on money again even though I was working 40 hour weeks all summer long, and that's when I knew I had to really give treatment a shot, because up until that point I was just going there to make my family and stuff think I was getting better, while I was getting worse.
I started to go to AA and it began to slowly work into my life. But it was too little too late.
A month later, I'm in college, newly 21, newly sober, and I hit my 30 day point and was like, "whoa I haven't used in forever, I guess one night wouldn't be terrible..." because I'm in college and everything. I had one drink, the next day I was downtown scoring molly (mdma/X/whatever you know it as)... and the thing was, it was like, my addiction just took control. But I take responsibility for that, I did push myself to do that. I guess I just wanted it one more time or something. But it came with bigger consequences than I ever imagined.
I suffered a grand mal seizure, alone, in my room, and woke up to a pounding headache, scratches all over my tongue, there was blood,... I was like what the fuck... and I looked in the mirror and saw that all over half of my face was black and blue...everywhere. It was horrific... I went to the ER they asked me if I had epilepsy? Fucking epilepsy... I was like no figure out what the fuck is wrong with me? and they were like well what drug are you on?
Yeah, it was the scariest moment in my life. And probably the saddest too, just seeing myself in the mirror, and seeing that the whole month of recovery that could have been built upon I shattered it, and not only that but I almost took my life.
Since then I began going to AA, got a sponsor, started slowly working the steps, reading a lot on addiction, really educating myself on what I need to do to stay clean, and above all just doing whatever it takes to stay real and stay positive... because life is so fragile and we are all so blessed to be here and, I'm just trying to soak in each day at a time as gifts and, this definitely hasn't been a walk in the park, I have had plenty of stressful days where I really craved and wanted to use more than anything... but there comes a point where somewhere in your heart you know you want a better life, and when you get to that place you CAN do this. I am an example of it... I'm going on my 3 months and I'm becoming healthier and happier as I continue to work my recovery and work on school and building a foundation for my career endeavors. It's a journey, it's hard work but anybody can do it. It just takes a lot of heart, honestly, willingness, and dedication. |
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| 2397 |
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What do I do?
Posted 11/2/2011 2:43:00 AM |
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| I'm 14 and I've been smoking weed since I was 12. I see my life spiraling down everyday. I smoke up to 25 dollars a day. I want to stop but I can't. |
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| 2396 |
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Stuck...Now What?
Posted 10/26/2011 2:38:00 PM |
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| I am twenty-years-old. Not quite sure how I got this far nor what I am doing in my life. Currently, I am unemployed and not attending school at the moment. I'm not exactly sure how much I can say about myself but to be truly honest I'm not even sure who I am these days. I live at home with my parents. My life has turned into a mess in some ways. I guess you can say I've been living on the 'edge' a little bit. I've been trying to figure out for the past three years or so what the hell I'm doing here. Since junior year in high school, I have been struggling with problems from self-image, self-injury, addiction, depression, anxiety and everything in between and have dealt with a majority of consequences due to these things. Before I was 18, my parents attempted to help by sending me off to a behavioral health hospital in the area called Alexian Brothers, to try and 'help me'. When I was 17, I had been admitted to an outpatient/IOP type drug rehab program. When I was there, I had learned a lot about addiction and the drugs I had been abusing, and overall ways to change that and stop depending on substances that could potentially make my life a lot worse. I have been admitted for Marijuana, Pills, and alcohol. I was smoking a few days out of the week. Never really had interest or way to buy my own weed then and the drinking and pills as well I really did not look at it as a problem and just kept denying the fact that I have dependency on these things. I'd rather call it a 'phase' in my life that would soon pass and be a blimp when I look back on the high school days. I'll never forget how everything started to go downhill in the begginning. It was halloween time, about October 2009. My uncle was staying with me at my parent's house for a few days because my parents were going on a long weekend vacation and I was currently attending rehab at the time and even before then, they really didn't and still don't have much trust in me so I guess that's understandable. I had taken some pills and smoked a lot of pot that whole weekend. When my parents came home, they found out. And with that, and me relapsing once a week or not ever really getting sober or having any interest, they later decided that I had recently turned 18 and they wanted me out of their house. I had nowhere to go. No true friends at the time for what I thought, no way to contact anyone, no transportation. I ended up getting in touch with a homeless shelter in the area, because that was literally my only option or sleeping on the streets. Either way, I knew things had changed. I was living in a homeless shelter for about two weeks. Then, I decided enough was enough. I had got in contact using a pay phone with a family friend who eventually helped me to set up a meeting with a counselor at a halfway house in Oak Park where I soon got admitted and started living there. Halfway house meant I had to be sober. There were rules, work, and none of that sounded inviting to me, but I knew I needed to and it was a lot better than sleeping on a pad with people i didn't know being homeless. Since the outpatient rehab to the point when i started living at the halfway house, I still had no interest or intention to be sober. I did not believe i had a problem. Even when I was homeless I had done things for drugs. If I couldn't get them right away, I would drink beer with a man who was 50 who wanted to have sex and thought he deserved it since he helped me get around and bought beer all the time. If it wasn't that i would get robotussin from a local drug mart just so i wouldn't be sober and could get f*cked up and not deal with anything, and thats what felt good and right to me. I ended up staying in the halfway house and had made it to 2 and a half months sober, getting drug-tested weekly, and attending meetings. Around Christmas time of 09, i left the halfway house after coming back from a family event and telling the house tech's i had had a few drinks, and overall i did not want sobriety and left the house with suitcases and no hope. At first, my parents were 100% sure they did not want me back in their house but i had been so upset and told them things had changed and I need a place to live and explained the whole story to them. After a few months of living at home once again, not getting along with my parents still, arguing about every little thing, I decided to try AA meetings in my area. I knew I had a disease. I still do. I went back into the program in February 2010, and was in and out til summer 2010. I still decided and was assured that I am like every other 19 year old that what I was doing and the things i found fun and drinking and drugging was totally normal and okay. Between summer 2010 and now, things just kept getting worse. I have great friends. They mean the world to me. I do not talk to my parents at all although i live with them. I lost a close cousin this past april to heroin. It scared me sh*tless, yet I am smoking pot, drinking, snorting coke and popping pills on a daily basis. I have not been to an AA meeting since spring. I'm not exactly saying I gave up, but I really, sincerely do not have much if any confidence left. I hate my life, but I just keep going through it. I've tried cutting back on drug use and drinking but i know that isn't going to happen. Through all the things that have changed in my past and my addition, i have truly never been to a point, where i am now, when i, myself notice that things have gotten worse and i isolate and just have almost become some zombie that gets high all the time and sometimes going out with my friends or many things don't even interest me anymore. To be completely honest, i really have no motivation. Its to the point where i don't even wanna get up in the morning sometimes. As i mentioned, i am unemployed. And i'm sure your wondering how i afford these habits. I find a way no matter what. I will go to any lengths to get what i need. Sell stuff, steal, sexual stuff, etc. Getting high and my drugs is all that matters to me anymore. When I am high, that is when I feel the most normal. I cannot remember the last time I was sober for a day or even a few hours. I'm not sure what to do. I know that I can change things myself, but again, I have no motivation or self-control and to me this is my life. I feel so stuck. t is also extremely hard to imagine living my life and being happy without these things. I have no relationship with my parents, myself and overall everything is just f*cked up. I've been arrested 3 times, what does a bottom even mean? I thought i've hit it but I'm completely wrong. Cocaine, pills, and alcohol have been my life the past few months. Not exactly sure how to get it back or even what the problem is anymore. |
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| 2394 |
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Don't Know What to Do
Posted 10/10/2011 1:50:00 AM |
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| I'm a 21 year old college student from an upper middle class family in the Midwest. Neither of my parents abuse drugs, and they were an continue to be amazing parents. I had a great childhood, even though my parents are both clinically depressed and also prone to rage outbursts. I did very well throughout school, it was suggested I skip a grade, etc. I had friends and activities and family and stuff galore.
The first time I drank was at a party at my house when I was 15. I wasn't that into alcohol then, and I'm still not. But it did enhance my curiosity about drugs in general. I smoked weed for the first time at 16, and started smoking by myself every night just as something to do. I also smoked before school sometimes, and a few times I left class to sit in my car and smoke because I felt like I had to. At this time I also started shoplifting, and later got arrested with a few of my friends at the local mall, like an idiot.
It was the beginning of my junior year that I found the drug for me- vicodin. I had broken bones by this point, so there was always some type of painkiller around. I only did vicodin during school hours, because I found it painful to sit through class. As time went on I used more and more.
The thing about me doing drugs and doing stupid things was that it never made sense in my life. I was a National Merit Scholar, in varsity sports, in tons of clubs, had friends, had a supportive family, had everything, and still needed to be high. By the time I graduated high school I done xanax, clonezepam, ecstasy, shrooms, vicodin, percodan, weed, adderall etc, etc, lots of random pills.I even found brothers in Mexico who agreed to ship me a box of painkillers in return for pesos. Why that seemed like an reasonable idea to me I don't know. But this dichotomy is about me that I don't understand.
Senior year of high school started, and after the first day of school I knew I had to get more pills; there was no way I could sit through class not high. I had exhausted my usual supplies, so I started taking painkillers from my dad, who had recently undergone excruciating surgery. The fact that I was okay with doing this makes me sad. Also sad is the fact that I could see it happening again.
Anyway, senior spring I decided to try to clean up my act, actually my friends decided this for me, and I threw out the pills and talked to the school psychologist. It wasn't helpful, but it did demystify therapy and mental health professionals, which was good. That summer I smoked some weed here and there, but not much more.
Come fall I went to college, a fairly prestigious one at that. Even better, I got a full ride. I was determined to be done with drugs. However, once the newness of everything wore off I found I was facing the same problems as before. Instead of drugs, I went to the school mental health counseling center and got assessed. Turns out, I have ADHD, which explains why it was so hard for me to sit through class and also the drive that helped me succeed academically. I was also told I had a polysubstance abuse problem, which I found hard to take because no areas of my life had suffered from my drug abuse, or so I thought. I was started on a non stimulant medication and told ADHD accounted for all the mistakes I had made.
Slowly but surely, I started to use painkillers again. However, this time was different. Possibly because of the ADHD medication, I saw the effects that my drug abuse was having on my life, at least more than I had ever seen them. I signed up for drug counseling and decided I was done done done.
Drug counseling was interesting, but not necessarily what I had expected. The counselor and I dodn't click, and he disagreed with my ADHD diagnosis, saying that my combination of lack of emotional connections and drive to succeed were instead indicative of bipolar disorder. I found him difficult to talk to, and after a few months he and I decided we had accomplished all we ever would. The main thing I took away from it all was that drugs don't fit in with the vision of myself that I want.
This is where I am now. I don't take any medication for my ADHD, which I am ambivalent about. My psychiatrist says we'll have to wait and see how this semester goes. I think if I were on meds, it would decrease my drug cravings. Sometimes I want to be high so so bad, and I know if I had any pills I would take them all. I haven't yet decided if I need to be clean of painkillers forever, or if I can do them once in awhile and be okay. Clearly, the answer to that question is no, I can't, but it's hard. If you are reading this you know, it's hard.
I don't know what to do at this point in my life...I do think medication would benefit me, and reduce the likelihood of relapse. I wrote this because I want there to be an example of someone doing well and being druggy, that it's possible to have a problem and still have your life mostly together. My drug problem drove a wedge between me and those close to me, and it's only now that I see it. I know I shouldn't take painkillers, but it's hard. I hope I don't. I hope you don't. I hope we all get better. |
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| 2391 |
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Pills destroyed me - dont be like me
Posted 10/6/2011 11:50:00 PM |
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| Being an overacheiver who cares what everyone else thinks and wants to please others, I run myself down alot. That first pill set in my mind a feeling that was the most indescribable, amazing, euphoric feeling ever known in my life. My marriage, the birth of my son, graduating with a bachelor and then a master degree never even compared to that first pill. I walked a fine line between drug addiction and abuse and being a professional. I snorted oxycodone in the bathroom of the hospital I worked at. I diverted drugs and shot myself in the muscle, never having the guts to stick myself in the vein... and damn... it hurt but after I thought what I felt was good... until 2 hours went by and I felt like utter helll again. I was spending money my wife and I didnt have on oxycodone, hydrocodone, fentanyl, ecstacy, ritalin, adderall while I was diverting morphine, dilaudid, fentanyl, demerol, oxymorphone from my place of business. I graduated with my master degree with a 3.7 (how I dont know because I was high as a kite the whole time or teetering on withdraw the rest). I called into work on my withdrawal days.... Life was miserable. My family constantly asked why I was so pale and why i was so skinny and if I had cancer or something. I got busted at work for acting "funny" which was because I had taken 160 mg of amphetamines and just shot up fentanyl. I went to employee health and was actually able to talk the experienced lady out of testing me... I was sly and could lie to others because I lied to myself. I ruined my credit with this crap... 34,000 on credit cards (i had fantastic credit). I am just now getting my life back on track; mainly because, somehow by the grace of God Almighty, I was able to maintain my professional integrity and be able to make a living. My treatment now involved 200 every week, 1-2 group meetings weekly, and a counselor visit every 2 weeks (all optional but necessary for me). My point is.... DONT GO THIS ROUTE. If addiction is in your family, even if its alcohol or tobacco, steer clear of pills! Because they sneak up on you... you think you can control it but you cant! Before you know it you are taking out 250 dollars a day credit card advances to cover this shit. Trust me... dont go where I've been. My wife almost left me and family almost disowned me... I was heading for the streets if it wasn't for my close calls and then my wife barging in on my drug use one day in the bathroom. What i wouldnt give to go back in time! To never have done this to myself and family. The worst part is... I have to fight the urge to USE EVERY DAY OF MY LIFE. Please, if I can help one person then my pleas will be enough, turn back.... Turn back and fill the void you are filling with something else... God, your "higher power", anything but this.
Sincerely,
Recovering Medical Professional |
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| 2390 |
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The Truth
Posted 9/21/2011 11:25:00 PM |
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| I currently smoke about 7 grams of pot a day. Some doctor prescribed me 1 mg of Klonipin a month. I lied to get those. I drink every other day and cant stop. I'm 19 and watching my life spiral down. I don't want it to go but I still like it so much I just need to say that. 7h |
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| 2389 |
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Wanted to be free
Posted 8/29/2011 12:44:00 PM |
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| I started drinking when I was 12, smoking pot when I was 13, snorting/ popping perscription drugs when I was 14, and smoking ciggarettes when I was 14. I have had many issues with depression for most of my life, so I figured I wanted to experience with something fun. Wben i was using, I was getting a chance to be free. And I was until I was 15, almost 16. I went to treatment and it was the best decision I have made in my life. When I was using I would skip school, forget about responsibilites I had, come to school messed up, stole money from people. I would do just about anything to get some sort of drug. It was fun while I was doing it, but now I look and say that it only made it worse. I'm sober now, I have relapsed a few times, because it's not easy to not do it. But im glad I have a life outside of durgs. That's my story. |
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| 2388 |
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Nobody's there
Posted 8/10/2011 4:08:00 AM |
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| Drifting through the world in a permanent stupor
You see your mother through the fog
She is smiling and waiting for you on the other side.
She reaches for your hand but you don't respond.
You can never come to her side.
You are too far from reality.
And You put yourself through this hell
When you took that joint at the party.
I could see in your eyes the desire
that doubled over into addiction.
Now you lay there cold and alone
On the same foggy street,
Looking into nothing;
Nobody is there. |
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